Written by Tracey Manailescu, WPIC Co-founder, with insightful contributions from WPIC alumni.
Pregnancy, co-parenting, single parenting, step-children, fertility challenges and losses are a reality and a big percentage of wedding professionals in the workforce. If you have been through or know anyone who has gone through any of the aforementioned, you know it’s a challenge.
The year that we started WPIC, we were already three years into planning weddings. WPIC took off bigger and better than we ever thought possible. CP24 interviewed us, and word got out. We were learning through trial and error and were quickly overwhelmed because of the success that we had so fast and early on. I got pregnant with my second child the first year. The guilt and panic that I felt were incredible. My mother-in-law came from Romania to help for the first six months, and my own parents and husband were amazing!
But, I still feel incredibly guilty to this very day about the time missed with my daughter during the early years, especially since I come from a childcare background. It truly still can make me cry when I talk about it. My son was in school full-days and had an active social life with sports and friends visits and somehow didn’t really feel it too much. Then Danielle got pregnant, and I felt that I needed to take on a lot of her work so that she could enjoy the early years. Honestly, I still feel a bit resentful. The problem with that was that I didn’t say anything. I didn’t consider that we needed to hire someone else, and I didn’t tell her that I couldn’t do it all. I quickly burnt out and was no good to my family as every waking moment was WPIC morning until night, all while trying to be a super-mom. My daughter laughs about it now, but I can still remember me apologizing to her when I couldn’t play a board game with her, and she said, “It’s okay. I know you are very busy”. That was it. I played the damn board game and three more. (She still likes them to this day, and she just turned eighteen). That put me over the top, and we knew that we needed to bring in college interns and hire someone part-time for the administration part of things.
Then we got even busier, and Danielle and I were back to our own regular duties and responsibilities. We were the only ones teaching, and we had classes all over Canada and some international ones as well, every two weeks. It was seriously too much.
We were thriving in our business and sister relationship (in fact we had so much fun and were closer than ever), but our home and personal life was suffering. Our husbands had had enough. That is when we made the conscious decision that family always needs to come first. Work is work, and family is EVERYTHING! We hired not one, not two but 4 instructors to teach the course in various locations and a full-time office Administrator. We have come a long way from those years, and truly understand and can empathize with new start-ups and the struggles to get going, as well as the quick rise to success, and all that comes with both.
My advice:
- Know that you are not alone. Talk to your friends, family, partner and wedding community and ask for help. Make sure that you have a good and positive support system to boost you up, and not tear your down.
- Ask your family and friends to tell you when you are pushing boundaries and need an intervention.
- Hire a virtual assistant, contract workers or part-time staff to take on some of your weddings. Maybe it’s time to hire seasonal staff. Hiring the right people can make it so much better.
- Have the business support in place that you need. Systems like CRM’s, and ready-to-use-templates are life savers.
- Connect. Share with others. We have the WPIC Alumni Association, and our grads have made life-long connections and friendships through it. You just need to connect and put yourself out there.
- Join “Baby and Me” Groups to connect with other parents in your community.
- Do not give up who you are for the sake of your business, and vice versa.
- Keep your friends and family close.
- Recognize that eveyone has different circumstances and can only be in so many places at a time.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Don’t judge others for their decisions either.
What should you do as a wedding professional, before the birth/adoption of your child? How did you tell your couples that you were expecting/adopting? How did you manage their expectations? What plans should you put in place while you are on maternity/paternity leave?
“When we first found out I was pregnant we were so excited and after we told our families I jumped onto planner mode! Once we were ready to announce to the world I crafted an email to all our couples that would be affected and in the email, I communicated:
- Our excitement and my due date
- That I would be introducing them to their lead planner in the next two weeks
- What to expect once we had the baby (if applicable)
On the same day, the emails went out I also posted an announcement on my Instagram and Facebook business accounts. I also acknowledged that even though we didn’t experience issues conceiving we understand that this post could be triggering and we are here to support them in any way we can.
As for maternity leave, I ended up having the opportunity to take leave a month before my due date which was very lucky as I was 1.5 weeks early but I know that many people don’t have this option. In any case, it’s so important to have an out office response ready to go for when it does happen and a plan for who will be checking your emails for the first 6 weeks because it is a blur due to sleep deprivation.
My last piece of advice is to try to stock your freezer with things like lasagna, pasta sauce, breakfast burritos, soups, lentils, etc because cooking is the last thing you will want to do!”
~Radhika Graham, WPICC of Rad Occasions (Victoria, BC, Canada)
“When I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that the most important thing would be to manage my expectations of myself. I figured out how many clients I could realistically take on to give me a manageable balance of being a mom and wedding planner. I took into consideration how old my baby would be at the time of the wedding and also the time in-between weddings. While it has been very difficult to decline opportunities, I know that I set myself up for success for this year. Limiting my capacity has allowed me to focus on executing weddings for ideal clients and give them the time and attention they deserve all while not missing a moment of being a mom.”
~Cornelia Johnson, WPICC of Cornelia J Events (Ontario, Canada)
“When we were trying to start our family, I let potential clients know very early, at their consultation, in a roundabout way: should there ever be a reason I couldn’t be at their wedding, that I was 110% confident in my assistants and helpers to run things in my place. I reiterated that I staffed each wedding specifically with that in mind and I had a stable of helpers that were solid and could be relied on.
Once I was pregnant and made it through the first trimester, I let clients that would be affected know early what plans were in place. I told them how excited I was to be starting our family, no apologies, and that I had solid plans in place so they would be well cared for.”
~Krista Olynyk, WPICC of KJ & Co. (Ontario, Canada)
How did you/do you manage to have young children, and run your business? How do you handle the parent’s guilt? How do you get “me” time? How much time would you suggest before heading back to working weddings? Do you have any time management tips?
“Hello, beautiful world of parents within the wedding industry!
A bit of background: I started my wedding business before my daughter turned one, right in the middle of a pandemic. I was somewhat expecting that it would take a couple of years before my business really picked up, and therefore assumed I would have tons of time to figure out the business side first, then navigate the entrepreneur/parenting/wife-ing/dog-momming/self-care combination, even after I officially launched the business. That was my first mistake as business picked up really quickly, and I know that I have a hard time saying ‘no’ to taking the bull by the horns.
Long story short at this point in my career, I feel like I have been permanently playing catchup. I almost didn’t write anything about this topic as I am right in the thick of testing out my own theories, however, these are some things that I feel like I could have done differently to help myself:
- Not everyone can wait to start bringing in money, however I should have waited until I was a bit more organized on the business’s back end before I started taking clients while having a little one at home. Every time I got a new inquiry or new task within the planning, I was scrambling to figure out how to file it, communicate it, present it, remember how the heck to do it, etc. When you’re not prepared, everything takes twice as long but you now have a tighter timeline when you’re actually booking events.
- Being new I felt guilty to charge more even when I did more work and I wouldn’t say no to anything while I was trying to learn and grow. With your already tight timeline between kids, work and other responsibilities, maybe don’t say yes to that venue that is 2 hours away that doesn’t even align with your niche/style/goals. Hang in there, you might end up getting 5 more inquiries for that same day from local weddings that you would have been so elated to work on. And if not? Block your calendar and plan a camping trip with your family that weekend. Can’t afford to take a weekend off? Plan a day of pop-up weddings to fill the gap which will act as some marketing material for you to get paid to work your magical vision on point with your brand!
- This is a BIG one that I learnt the hard way: find a way to give less precise timelines to your clients. The amount of times I have said “I will have that to you by tomorrow”, “I will have that to you by the end of the week,” etc. Yes, you want your clients to be in the loop, however even when your child(ren) is in daycare, you can’t count on having time.
Since fall my daughter has been home from daycare a collective EIGHT WEEKS! Daycares are understandably extra cautious with any runny nose, then when she was really sick and she couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t work at night to catch up. When she would get better and head back to daycare, I would end up sick and barely able to get out of bed, but trying to play catch up on work with a half-alert brain. It all becomes so much more stressful on both sides when you have to keep explaining to your client why the task is late, so instead, give yourself some grace time to complete it then just always aim to have the task done early if you can.
- As for my mom guilt, it’s a tough one to tackle but what I have found works best for me, is to stay off of my phone when I am with her, and when nothing at work has an emergency. This is SO tough to do when I always feel behind at work, however this is the one thing I know I will feel guilty about. Even if I’m next level exhausted and just forcing myself to be engaged in Cocomelon with her while we sit on the couch eating chocolate for dinner, I take that as a win. If I am confident that I am for the most part engaged and mentally present while I am with her, then it helps me have less guilt when I am gone for many long days or taking emergency calls while I am at home.
- Last note – Give yourself some credit! This isn’t an easy industry to be in; There is a lot of unknown and uncertainty in our line of work as it can be restricted at any time, we can lose vendors at any time and many vendors are understaffed. This isn’t an easy time to be raising kids; it’s terrifying to make decisions that has 100 different popular opinions that you are either helping or harming their health, you never know if they have a regular flu or a potentially deadly virus, you don’t know if you should keep them home or send them to daycare.. Life has been so overwhelming for the world, regardless of how much you think you have or haven’t accomplished, give yourself a pat on the back. It’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to not be struggling, it’s always okay to ask for help, it’s okay to not be perfect in your career, it’s ok to not be perfect as a parent, you’re still amazing, and I am proud of us all!”
~Laura Chapman, WPICC, DWC of Laura Chapman Events (Penticton, British Columbia)
“It’s no secret that running a business is hard work than adding in a child or two and well it’s a lot more hard work! The secret is time management and not being afraid to ask for help. I block out chunks of my day for when my baby typically takes naps and I try to get as much work done as I possibly can within that time. I wait to schedule client meetings after my baby has gone to bed. I also schedule time with clients and site visits on the weekends when I know that my partner or Mom can help more. Parent guilt is real. I would be pumping at weddings as I was still breastfeeding and I would think to myself, am I a bad mom? But it’s all in your mindset, you just have to tell yourself that 1. You need the income and 2. You are a better parent because of your business as it gives you a break from parenthood to be your old self and to do something that you love. Personally, I had a very short maternity leave of about three months and then I was back to executing weddings so that means I did still work behind the scenes on admin tasks and actual planning work with finalizing details. It would have been ideal to have at least six months from the time my baby was born to execute my first wedding but again in this business, there is always back-end work to do. I was lucky that I prepared in advance and did hire additional staff to help with executing some of the weddings so I wasn’t working every single weekend but as we all know COVID made 2021 a pretty busy year and wedding planners are just some of the most hardworking people I know and they don’t like to let their clients down so you just make it work. My baby is happy and healthy and all my clients were happy, too!”
~Jessica Stacey, WPICC of Bonafide Events Studio (Ontario, Canada)
“Take as much time as you can. Obviously, everyone’s situation will be different. I opted to take two to three months off from being on-site at weddings, and an associate planner coordinated on my behalf. That still meant I was handling a lot of work behind the scenes to keep the business and marketing running, while also seeing to events further out. Not ideal! Pretty stressful. I struggled a bit with the idea that so many of my friends weren’t self-employed and got to have traditional maternity leaves, and here I was answering the phone in the maternity ward about a chair delivery. But on the flipside of that, I had a very different experience, continuing to work from home after the kids were a year old, and they could accompany me on some of my errands.”
~Krista Olynyk, WPICC of KJ & Co. (Ontario, Canada)
“I have four kids ages 8, 6, 3, and 1. I started my business as a side hustle before any kids were born. It was a very slow start and I was ok with that. Through many life transitions in the ten years since I was certified, my business has remained very part-time and only now that we are settled and finished with babies that I am ramping up to something more substantial. I know many people need to be bringing in a significant chunk of income, so my experience isn’t helpful to everyone.
My work-life balance is best when I set a limit on my working hours. I have a couple of blocks of time during the day where my kids are occupied (at school, quiet time, naps, and let’s be honest, screens!). I keep my office work exclusively in those times and have client meetings one weeknight a week and Saturdays. I like to use my morning block for social media and emails, and the afternoon for other projects.
I think the important thing to remember is that kids are always changing and your business routine has to change with them, especially if you’re providing your own child care. Different stages will look different for your family. Sometimes routines go sideways and get off track, and that’s a good time to re-evaluate what needs to change.
I like that when I have specific blocks for specific things, I can shut the computer when I’m done and totally focus on my family. As for ‘me’ time, my work is part of that. It’s adult only!
I’m looking forward to hearing the other answers as well!”
~Kirstin Patzer, WPICC of Three Strands Wedding Design in the midst of rebranding to Grasslands Events (Swift Current, Saskatchewan)
“I am a wife and mother of 4. I’ve come to find out that trying to work while the little ones are running around, crying or needing everything, is extremely stressful. I created a schedule for myself to work before they wake up, during nap time/school time and after they have gone to bed for the night. The parent guilt can be overwhelming, especially when they say things like “you don’t want to play with me” 😥.
So, I set up mommy/daughter and mommy/son time, where they get my undivided attention for a little chunk of the day. I carve out some “me” time after they have gone to bed. Also, I take a mommy day once a month on the weekends and have recently started taking off one Friday a month, to rest and relax!
I’ve found that using a physical agenda, one I can write and scribble on has been most helpful. I make lists of the things I need to get done for the business and also schedule some time with my family and myself. Seeing it noted down and in my agenda, has helped me look forward to and stay committed to that time.
~Lynkahn Sutton, WPICC of Matrimony Events (Ontario, Canada)
Regarding Loss, Fertility, etc.
“After going through 5 months of traumatic & life-changing experiences, a miscarriage was the last thing my husband and I needed.
Miscarriage: a simple word that just translates to a loss of a pregnancy. What it doesn’t translate to is the amount of physical, mental, and emotional pain that comes with it for an unknown period of time. A situation where no words nor actions from anyone can make you & your partner feel better. It’s not just a loss of a pregnancy, it’s a loss of dreams and happiness.
Just when we were healing from other situations, our happiness, dreams, and hopes were snatched away from us, again. Was it from all the stress and anxiety that were caused by the trauma and our surroundings? We did everything we possibly could do to take care of myself properly. I followed what my doctor advised. He took good care of me. Why else would this happen to us? What did we do to deserve this type of pain? My husband and I never harmed anyone & always did our best to make everyone around us happy. So why us? We drowned in these thoughts as we tried to come to terms with this tragedy.
We did our best to keep ourselves busy with anything possible just so we didn’t get time to feel. To add more to our schedules, we launched the Ramadan/Eid gift boxes last year to have a new purpose and, then, donated all proceeds to sponsor an orphan in Pakistan on a monthly basis. This made us feel a bit better.
Pregnancy loss is a death we experience in our own bodies. There is no death we experience more intimately than one that literally passes through our body.
The silence from the technician during an ultrasound is how I found out. Now, how do I pass this silent message to my husband, who’s patiently sitting in the waiting room? I couldn’t say anything, but my tears did. He refused to believe me and said we would go to another place or wait to hear from my doctor. The next day, we were hosting my FIL’s birthday and we were supposed to announce the pregnancy but of course, things changed. Aayush suggested cancelling the brunch but we decided to stick to the plan. I needed to keep myself busy. By the time my doctor called, I already accepted it but that’s when it hit Aayush and I will never forget what we went through that day, together, in our own home. I was replaying Aayush’s reaction when I first told him I was pregnant & all those special moments, hopes, and dreams we shared. I couldn’t see the pain on his face. Due to COVID, I had to be alone during every hospital visit and procedure. Each moment was a painful reminder of what happened. The last day of the physical aspect of the miscarriage (March 20, 2021) was the toughest and still haunts me. I flushed. Yes, I had to flush what was growing in me for 9 weeks, down the toilet. I’m saying this because it’s one of the parts of miscarriages that are too “shameful” to mention and hidden from everyone. Talking about it would help others understand how painful and traumatic miscarriages can be. I didn’t want to traumatize Aayush and witness the horrific scene, so I was alone in the washroom but as he was on the other side of the washroom door, I told him I was about to flush,… we prayed, cried, and said our silent goodbyes.
It was during this phase of our lives, that my husband decided it was time for us to have a fresh start.
Fast forward to today, March 20, 2022, we are in a much better place physically, mentally, and emotionally. Having the opportunity for a fresh start after back-to-back tragedies as a newly married couple isn’t common. Now, when we remember the pain we went through, we actually feel blessed as it led to a new & positive life for us. It has taken a new location, a new mindset, a new company, and plenty of time for us to move forward.
We are so grateful for the ones who gave us their time, attention, love, and support. We are so thankful for our clients who empathized and supported us through this journey. Truth is, I didn’t stop working when I went through the miscarriage, nor did I tell my clients. It was Business As Usual for me. I was happily doing consults, building itineraries, speaking with clients, dealing with postponements because planning weddings make me happy and it was therapeutic for me! There was one time when I took 2 days to reply to a client (right after finding out about the miscarriage). When I replied, I informed them about what happened and they were extremely supportive and offered to let me take my time to heal. I reached out to each client a couple of months later to inform them about our decision to move to Dubai, told them about the series of events that transpired, and also explained how we would continue to work for their weddings.
We’ve experienced all kinds of pain through our miscarriage journey and wanted to share our experience with anyone who is going through the same or knows someone who is going through it. We are here for you if anyone wants to chat.”
If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, please keep these in mind:
· Don’t say: “at least it was early”, “it’s nothing, the baby wasn’t even born yet”, “you can always try again”, “it’s so common” (if it’s so common, why don’t we hear about it more often? Shouldn’t we all expect a miscarriage then?) These phrases cause more damage than anything else.
· Don’t invite the couple to a baby shower or gender reveal or anything baby-related for a while (it can take months). Don’t expect them to be a part of your celebrations yet. Give them enough time to mourn and adjust to their new life. It’s a different grieving process for each couple. Remember, they’re happy for you but heartbroken for themselves.
· Try to avoid baby-related topics until they’ve healed
· Understand that it may be difficult for couples who have just lost their baby to visit a newborn and/or even see baby stuff on social media
· Simply saying “It must be tough but I’m here for you” will go a long way, we promise!
Here’s a video my husband created last year to raise awareness about miscarriages: CLICK
~Tajrean Kashem & Aayush Raj Malhotra of Taj Raj Events (Dubai, UAE)
“Starting our family was a challenge, and I realized pretty quickly I could not plan my pregnancy as easily as I worked out wedding itineraries. I experienced two devastating miscarriages in back-to-back wedding seasons. I didn’t have the support that would allow me to step away and grieve. I found myself on the road for an out-of-town wedding, just a few days after leaving the hospital. I was numb, but I felt the show must go on and I needed to fulfill my obligation to my clients after 18 months of working together. That was tough, to say the least. It made me realize that I needed to build a network of colleagues that I could trust and rely on, rather than being so afraid of my peers as competition. And also, not to be afraid to step back from my business when I (very badly) needed the mental break. After our second loss, I let clients know we had a “death in the family” and I would be on the quiet side. That allowed me just a little bit of rest, but I did have to prioritize things for upcoming events. With so many of us working independently, not having a team to rely on and carry the weight through hard times is a drawback. I was more open about everything when we were on the other side of it. But it was a difficult and lonely time. Happy to chat if anyone ever needs it.”
~Krista Olynyk, WPICC of KJ & Co. (Ontario, Canada)
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